There is no coming back from losing a child.

I often post about all of the gifts that Rob brings to me; there are too many to count.

However, it is difficult for me to talk about the pain. Last Thursday, I spoke at Wesley Freedom United Methodist Church’s recovery service. There were many people there who were struggling to get their lives back. I found myself feeling safe enough to get vulnerable. I talked about the pain….

There is no coming back from losing a child. I’ve been running from this truth for a very long time. I am better, I am wiser and I am deeply connected to every aspect of my new self. Yet, simultaneously I grieve deeply for who I was and all that was. I wake up every day wanting every minute to count towards what I know to be my purpose. These days are incredibly beautiful. And, I know that this beauty can only be felt because I have experienced the worst. These days, I feel chosen. Yet, some days are all about chasing after some sense of peace that seems impossible to find. These days are sometimes a long run, trying to clear my mind and make sense out of my life. Yet, some days are just a day in bed. These days suck! No other way to put it.

Yesterday, I spent the afternoon at the courthouse, supporting a young woman and her family. I was gifted the opportunity to give to them what I didn’t have with Rob. Then, I went straight to the sober houses for our house meeting. I got to meet, in person, a woman who just recently came to Rob’s house. She called me from treatment last week, wanting sober living. Within a few minutes of talking to her, I knew she was meant to be at the house.

After I got home, I received a text from her. I read it and for the rest of the night, I felt peace. Not because of what her words said, but because of what her words meant….

Rob was born to change lives. Rob died, yet remains alive through countless people. His life, his death and his legacy is immeasurable. And, even though I don’t feel it at times, God must have a lot of love and a lot of faith in me. I will try remember that God is carrying me when I am unable to carry myself. And…

Rob’s purpose is greater than my pain ♥️💔♥️

Below is the text that I received last night…

It was so great to finally see you today. You are absolutely as beautiful on the outside as you are inside. You inspire me that I can be better and happy like you after the loss of our loved ones. You have a special place in Heaven Mrs. Tammy for all the good you do for others after all you’ve been through. Thank you so much.😘