My Letter to Rob – 4 Years

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I made a promise to share my journey of grief.

Tomorrow it will be four years since I lost my beautiful son Rob. I miss him more than my words can ever express…..

Dear Robert,

It has been four years. It still feels like yesterday, and at the same time, it feels like forever. People probably think that it gets easier over time; however, the longer I go without seeing you, the more I miss you. Time certainly does not heal a broken heart of losing a child. Your death has changed me, and I will never be the same person that I was before September 14, 2014. I am proud to say that losing you has made me better, not bitter. It’s a shame that it took such a tragedy for me to become the person that I am meant to be. I see myself as a strong and independent person, who will stop at nothing to take this tragedy and turn it into something wonderful. I will never give up! Loss and grief builds character, strength, self-awareness, and well-being. I will continue to honor these gifts that you have given to me.

There are still so many things that I wish I would have done differently. All of the what ifs and all of the what could have beens. And…. although it is never good to live in regret, it is not a bad place to visit once in a while. Regret along with reflection can bring about growth and change; it is an important part of evolving. The trick is to use it as a teacher and not as a road block. I regret so many things. That doesn’t mean that I don’t realize that I did the absolute best I could with everything I was and knew at the time. I think that reflection and regret are similar; they are just presented and perceived from different perspectives. Reflection forces me to search, regret enables me to change and change forces me to grow.

Rising Above Addiction is still growing. I am finding faith through it’s growth. I see you in all of it; at every event, in every phone call I receive, every time I help someone get into treatment and every time I can help family members help their love ones. I feel your presence and influence in everything that I do. It is an absolute honor to keep your memory alive through helping others.

Reclaiming My Life is wonderful. These girls come in broken and steadily evolve into confident young women. For the first time we have a girl at the house that knew you. She tells me and the other girls stories about you; including, how much everybody loved you, how you always had a smile on your face and how you always made people laugh. I tease the girls and tell them that you are watching over them. I’m not sure if that scares them or comforts them😂.

Please give me the strength to continue through this journey of grief. Help me to be an example to others by showing that unimaginable loss can be transforming and beautiful and not always debilitating and unbearable. Continue to teach me the real meaning of life through all of the gifts that you have given to me: the gifts of love, acceptance, understanding, compassion and the freedom to be myself.

I love you my sweet and beautiful Robert. I can’t wait to see you again, so that I can wrap my arms around you and never let you go.

For you, Because of you and in memory of you

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