Most people know that I write Rob a letter each year on his birthday. Tomorrow is his birthday, and he would have turned 25. For me, he is still very much present, has accomplished so much, and has helped countless people since his death. It is easier for me to share this letter the day before his birthday…
Dear Robert,
Happy Birthday! Today you would have turned 25. Just saying that out loud is heartbreaking. Twenty-five! Twenty-five should be the beginning of so much. You should be starting to know who you are and making plans as you settle into your life.
Twenty-five is something else all together. It is another year without you, yet you’re still here everywhere.
Grief from losing you defines me, confines me and liberates me, and these three things exist simultaneously, at all times. There are times that I don’t want to be me anymore. I feel angry, depressed and completely cheated. I don’t often express these feelings because I have a difficult time showing weakness, and I always strive to be a source of strength for others. Yet, I realize that this is a part of me, but is not all that defines me. It is what I do with all of this that defines me. It is why I get out of bed, it is why it’s so important to me to help others, it is why I run and workout and it is why I refuse to quit. It is all of the gifts that you have given and continue to give to me. Because, without the dark, I could never experience this beautiful light that you shine on me and in me every day. And, I can continually refine what it is that defines me, and that is growth.
So twenty-five is a beginning, it’s just not the beginning we had all hoped for with you. It is now me doing all of the things that were meant for you: It is me understanding and learning who I am, it is me starting to make different plans and it is me trying desperately to settle into my new life.
I miss you more today than I did yesterday, and I can only imagine that I will miss you more tomorrow than I do today.
For You, Because of You and In Memory of You
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