Holidays Without You

posted in: Letters to Rob 0

I have had several people ask me how my holidays were and how I am doing…..

Holidays and life after Rob……
This year was especially difficult for me. I am learning so much about loss as time goes by. It may sound strange to some people, but this year was the hardest yet. I think it was harder because it’s been even longer since I have seen my child; too long! Also, I have been rudely awakened from my numbed mental state!
The first two years after losing Rob are somewhat of a blur. I spent a great deal of time and energy running from the pain. I was on a subconscious mission to distract myself by all means possible. Although some of my choices only prolonged my pain, they have come to be profound life changing lessons. Sometimes we have to learn the hard ways in order to come back and find our true authentic selves. Loss is the most honest and brutal teacher.
I am still trying to find myself. I am now Tammy, after September 14, 2014. The journey is sometimes impossible. What I am finding out is that there is continual growth, and unfortunately, continual loss. I am finding out that the new and painful losses are necessary in order for me to continue the path that I am on. Loss makes you examine yourself; your values, your judgments and your choices. Over time, it becomes impossible to ignore the inner voice that guides you, (really forces you), to become better.
So where am I now…….
I am lost and trying desperately to find my new Me. Truth is… there are days that I am paralyzed by my pain and my loss. If you ever wonder if I want to give up, the answer is YES! Only people who have known deep loss can understand this. Loss changes everything! No matter what the days bring, including joy and laughter, there is always accompanying pain; an ache that never leaves.
So what can I do about it…..
I can’t bring Rob back!
I can, however, honor him by becoming the person that I am meant to be. I can stick around for this painful journey, and I can try to get to a place of peace. I can try to find hope again.
I can help other parents who have lost a child. I can help them to understand the painful, yet incredible journey that lies ahead for them. I can offer to walk beside them.
I can help young adult’s battle addiction. No one should die at the hands of drugs, and no parent should have to lose a child. It is unnatural, and it is excruciatingly painful.
When Rob died, I wanted to do something that would make a difference. I didn’t want other parents to have to feel the way that I do. On the year anniversary of Rob’s death, Rising Above Addiction was born. Through Rising Above Addiction, I will continue to work hard to make a difference. I will help our youth and young adults get the treatment that they deserve. In turn, Rising Above Addiction will help to heal me by helping others. Every time I take a crisis call or help get someone into treatment, I feel purpose.
Each time Rising Above Addiction Fund saves a life, Rob will have saved a life.