Happy 20th Birthday Rob

posted in: Letters to Rob 0

Happy Birthday Rob,
Twenty!!!! What a milestone we would have passed; you leaving your teenage years. I miss you more than ever. I am still fighting this most difficult battle. The first year you were gone I was in a fog; a sense of denial. It all became so much more real after the one year anniversary of your death. I was done with you being gone, and I wanted to demand you back!
When you first died, I couldn’t go near your room. I wanted the door shut all the time, so that I didn’t have to see inside. Then it all changed, and I had to sleep in your room every night. I felt closer to you there. Sleeping in your bed, where you died, gave me a sense of closeness and comfort. Now I sleep in my own bed most of the time. Sometimes I still go into your room, and open up your closet, and put my face in all of your clothes; hoping somehow that I smell you. I sit and go through all of your things. Everything is the same, as if you’re just away for a while. I figure time will let me know when and if it’s time to change anything.
Sometimes I sit and look at pictures of you and sometimes it is just too hard. I wish I had even more pictures of you. You were such a handsome young man, and you had the biggest heart. Your smile was contagious. Even when I was so mad at you, you’d smirk at me and I would have to try so hard not to laugh. Your personality was the best, and you had an incredible sense of humor. You made everyone laugh. God, I miss you!!!!!!!!
Your death has changed everything. It has especially changed me and the way that I view life; the way that I live my life. I realize things, like how Grampa was spot on when he used to say… “Friends are a precious gift that you give to yourself .” Your death has changed the people that I let into my life and the people that I allow to stay in my life. I also understand what Grampa truly meant when he said… “Don’t allow negative thoughts to have a free parking space in your head. ” I practice that every day now. I am learning not to be so afraid of what the future holds in store for me and that I can’t control everything. That your motto, “One life, live it,” are words to live by. Wow, you might really like your new and improved Mom ?.
I wish I could have known all these things before you died. Unfortunately life doesn’t teach us lessons through joy. I’ve realized that pain; the kind that rips your heart out and strips you down to nothing, teaches us the most profound life lessons.
So what else? You would be so proud of your sister. She is a remarkable young lady. She is beautiful and has somehow managed to push through everything and become even more amazing. She even got accepted into the nursing program for her senior year. Please keep her safe. She deserves peace and a life full of happiness.
And Meaghan…. She has never left our side. How could I ever thank you for bringing her into our family. She is truly a sister to Leah and she loves us with all of her heart. We would not have made it through this without her. Leah, Meaghan, and I have a bond that is so pure and cannot be broken. Thank you so much for her. Please keep her safe and help her to find love again.
Tracey and I have really grown a lot, and we are changing people’s lives. We started a fund in your’s and Ryan’s honor. We are saving lives Rob. Your death has and still is helping others to survive. It is helping me to heal. Please keep me strong and help me through my dark days. Help me to get through this new life without you.
Happy Birthday to one of the BEST people that God gave to me. He chose me to be your Mom. Thank you for all of the incredible gifts that you have given to me through your death. I miss you my Beautiful SON, and I can’t wait to see you again some day.