Happy 19th Birthday Rob

posted in: Letters to Rob 0

My Dearest Robert
Nineteen years ago, my life changed forever. I gave birth to you; my beautiful baby boy! A struggle from the beginning! Three years of trying! Fertility treatments! You were never going to make things easy☺
I never quit trying for you, even though, at times, I thought it was never going to happen. After three long years, a lot of disappointment, and In Vitro Fertilization, there you were; A beautiful, healthy, baby boy. You were perfect, and you were all mine.
From the beginning, you wanted to do things your way; determined to do everything on your own terms. Starting with sleeping and eating, you were too curious of the world around you to stop and take care of your basic needs. You moved so fast with everything you did, as if your time was running out.
As you grew, you continued to race through life. It was difficult, if not impossible, to keep in front of you. I tried so hard. I really did! I wanted so much for you. You were smart, funny, handsome, and just an “all around” good soul. You were also very sad, angry, and constantly fighting the unrelenting demons in your head. I always knew my fight for you was going to be tough. I just didn’t know how tough.
You touched everyone’s life that you came in contact with. You had such a spirit about you that people were just drawn to you. It was incredible to watch people fall in love with you from the moment they met you. It was also very difficult to watch the intense frustration and judgment that came with loving you. People spoke of unconditional love, yet never accepted your limitations. It was a constant, I love you, but.
Now you are gone!
There are so many things I wish I could go back and do differently. I would have learned all of the life lessons that you taught me, a lot earlier; important and profound life changing lessons. I would have let you sleep in my bed when you were a little guy, whenever you wanted to. I would have been more patient with you. I would have listened to you more, and listened to others less. I would have spent more time with you and made sure you knew that you were “Good Enough!” I am so sorry that you never felt good enough, because you were perfect. You were just lost, and I couldn’t help you. I tried so hard, and I am sorry I didn’t do enough. I became so tired Rob, and maybe I stopped fighting hard enough. Maybe that’s why you’re gone. I should have been stronger, less angry, and more persistent. I made a lot of mistakes, and I am sorry for all of the times that I hurt and disappointed you.
I miss everything! I miss YOU! I miss it all, and I want it back! I want YOU back!
Happy Birthday the most perfect boy I ever knew. Perfect doesn’t mean that you had no flaws. Perfect doesn’t mean you did everything right, all of the time. It means there is nothing that I would have changed about you. It means you did the very best you could do. It means that every day you were a gift to everyone you came across. It means that I can’t imagine my life without you!
Rest in peace and love my Beautiful Son.