If you ever wonder if I want to give up, the answer is YES!
Today has been one of those days. I can’t find my way out. I keep thinking that I don’t want to have to live this way; not one more day. Only the people who have known deep loss can understand life after loss. Is it even life? Sometimes it’s not. No matter what the day brings, including joy and laughter, there is always a hole. A void that never lets you forget. Sure, there are moments of pleasure. Seconds where you forget the pain, but it always comes back. I know this….. I ran from all of my loss. I thought if I kept moving fast, I could outrun it. Truth is, it catches you. Funny how it works; the mind protects itself by distraction. Problem is… your true and authentic self is always right under the surface. For a while you can ignore that nagging voice; the one that tells you the truth. But after a while, the truth comes out and you can no longer make excuses. You have to face your shit. You have to make tough choices. You have to be taken down to nothing.
This is where I am at. I no longer have anything to lose. I have lost some of the most important people in my life. Some gone through death, like my father and my son. Some gone because I finally put myself first.
If you’re wondering…. Yes, I am broken. Yes, I am grieving. Yes, I am sad. And Yes, I don’t quite know how I will make it.
You see…. that is the truth about loss. It changes you. It redefines you. It never lets go.